Personal and emotional.

To anyone who doesn't know me well, I might come across as a well-adjusted, semi-confident young woman. Not in the best shape, but well kempt and not ugly by any means.
But you'd be wrong.
I'm sick. I am physically sick, and emotionally sick as well. One of my biggest problems I've faced since I can remember is my low self esteem. I have THE. LOWEST. SELF ESTEEM. of anyone I have ever met in my entire life. I don't portray it besides to my best friends, and even then, I'm not sure they realize the extent of it. There have been too many days to count where I can't even bear to look at myself in the mirror. I will purposely divert my eyes from any mirror bigger than a compact (big enough to do my makeup, but I don't have to see my whole self.)

As I'm writing this, I'm not sure I'll even post it... It's probably the most personal thing I've ever posted online.

My Insulin Pump has been a Godsend already. My bloodsugar averages have decreased by probably 70% since MONDAY. Lord forgive me, though, because it's almos timpossible for me to be excited about it after stepping on the scale today. I have gained almost TEN POUNDS since Monday.
THAT IS FOUR DAYS.
Four. Four days, ten pounds.

My mom said I shouldn't have even stepped on the scale, but it doesn't matter. Whether I see the actual number or not, I've still gained the weight.

I don't want to leave my house. I don't want to be around ANYONE at all. My friends don't judge me, and I don't have to impress them by any means but none of that matters. The hate comes from within. The distain comes from my OWN mind. I'm disgusting to MYSELF. It doesn't matter what anyone else tells me or thinks.
Part of my problem is that I don't look sick. I just look fat. No one that doesn't know or understand all of my health problems will know that's why I look the way I do. They won't realize a lot of it is swelling and water retention. They will only see fat.

It's actually a blessing that I have Gastroparesis and hypothyroid because I KNOW that not eating or throwing up will NOT make me lose this weight. If I thought for a second it would, it would be far too easy to slip back into that.

This isn't the kind of post I want to have all over my blog, but I needed to get it out in black and white... I've had a past of some coping mechanisms that aren't healthy, but blogging is far better than those, so that's what I did.